life with bi polar disorder

I remember the day I first heard the words bi polar. It was 2004 I was 14, it was my first visit with my psychiatrist. I had no clue what a psychiatrist was all I knew is there was something wrong with my mind which I also didnt completely get either.

I have always felt different than others very disconnected like i don’t belong here. I have this sense of Knowing im different going back as far as I can remember. I never could pin point what it was that makes me different feeling as if im living in my own separate world entirely different from society.

I spent most of my life feeling misunderstood and getting lost in my thoughts and feelings. As a young child I could not understand why I couldn’t connect with other kids on thier level. I felt frustrated I didnt get what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t be like everyone else.

During my elementary years My frustration of forever being misunderstood eventually turned into an internal hate for myself and hate for everyone else except a select few people that I felt didnt understand me but accepted me.

Going back to 2004 to that faitful day at the psychiatrist office. With my mother sitting Beside me the doctor began with a list of questions that my mother and I would answer together after what felt like forever the doctor finally gave his diagnoses of bi polar type 2 disorder with ADHD I knew it was something serious but I had no clue what any of it meant.

From that day on my life was changed forever. I remember my mom telling my dad his exact words were its going to be a lot of work! At the time I felt insulted id soon come to realize he was 100% right and just being honest which I’m now grateful for. I was told with love from my parents to keep my diagnosis to myself I was never to tell anyone.

My school life was already difficult enough for me as I didnt connect with others luckily I would manage to find a couple friends that would be kind and accept me other then that it wss the usual where I’d get picked on or instantly disliked those are the times I didnt stand a chance ive now summed it up to my energy irritated their energy so far that’s my conclusion. I had very few friends growing up usually one very close best friend and one or two kids that I considered friends they were kind to me and had a few similar interests. I really didn’t like people mostly because they didnt get me and i didnt get them. I could never understand how or why anyone would pretend or be fake so they would be accepted by others i also have never been in on what is popular or today they call it trending? My thoughts at the time were I suck at lying as ive always been very blunt and honest something that bothers 99% of people. so if I can’t lie or act being me is and was my only option I would come to learn it was better to be hated for being me being true to myself and creatjng my own path way my own unique journey rather than lie to yourself and others to be someone fake all to be liked seems like way to much work easier to just be the real you I say Fuck being fake.

Grade 9 was by far one of the worst yrs or the bulling for me something I’d experience every yr from grade 2 to 12 the last thing I needed was to give bullies more ammo to bully me with I already hated myself having these bullies hate me too would eventually take its toll as a highly sensitive person I didn’t take well to the daily torment.

At this time in 2004 my family and i lived on an acreage in the country just outside of the oilfield/agriculture city of Lloydminster, Alberta/Saskatchewan. We lived on the AB side close to a little town outside of lloyd a small rural community where basically everyone knows one another and knows or wants to know everyones business. To me the last place on earth that I would want anyone to know about my fresh diagnosis of CRAZY!!

In a few years to come being called a Crazy bitch was a name I would completely live up to in my small home town.

to be continued