Chapter one: Teenage Angst

Living in a world with bi polar mind comes with many set backs and challenges. I often felt alone, rejected and misunderstood. Which resulted in severe depression that came with suicidal tendencies. It was the year 2004. I was a 14 year old grade 10 student at Kitscoty JR/Sr high school in Alberta, Canada. My school went from grade 7 to 12 and had around 200 plus kids. Growing up in a small town mean everyone knew everyone and everything about everyone. I had a difficult time getting along with certain kids and kept my friend circle small. I was always an outsider mostly due to the fact i never wanted to fit in.

I had been rejected by most of my peers throughout my school years so in turn i rejected them. It became normal for me to hate almost everyone after years of bullying that started in grade 2. I was bullied on the bus until the day i had gum put in my hair. I decided to fight back and i gave one of my bullies a black eye the bulling stopped that day. My school life wasn’t much better. I had this gym teacher. Who was my math teacher in grade 9 who was an asshole to me. I wasn’t very good at math and would constantly be asking for help which annoyed him. Instead of helping me he would single me out in front of the class and humiliate me. It got to the point where i would skip every class i had with him. He disliked me as much as i did him. At the end of the year he ended up giving me a passing grade. He said he would rather pass me than to teach me the following year. He hated me as much as i hated him. My depression started to become noticeable resulting in being sent to the school counselor. Which didn’t bother me I enjoyed getting to skip an hour of class. I would be referred to a psychiatrist by my family doctor. Who would diagnose me with Bipolar type two and ADHD.

I lived on an acreage with my parents at the time. I resented living in the country. Mostly due to the one hour bus ride before and after school and my school bus bully. During the long bus rides gave me time to listen to CD’s on my disk man. I have always felt such a strong connection to music. Lucky for me my parents had a subscription to Columbia house which was a mail order music and movie company. We would order new CD’s monthly. When i was 11 my mom had ordered Nirvana’s Nevermind CD. I’ll never forget the moment i heard the first riff of smells like teen spirit. Nirvana became my favorite band. As time went on and i started experiencing depression. I would listen to Kurt 24/7. I felt as if he had lived with the same internal dark pit of anger and sadness as me. Listening to Kurt made me not feel so alone. He was the only one i was capable of relating to. After school i would listen to my stereo and escape into a book. My books of choice at the time were Rock star biographies. I started with Heavier than Heaven which made me feel an even closer connection to Kurt. Having someone to relate to even if they were dead for 10 years gave me comfort in my sadness.

I was experiencing my first severe depressive episode. It was to the point where I hated myself and wanted to die. I thought the world hated me too. I continued to feel hopeless and alone. I felt unworthy of life itself. Living with depression is like the weight of the world on your shoulders. Everything feels so heavy and dark. My mind was my clouded with distorted thoughts of negativity. My body felt like concrete. I struggled to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was nearly impossible to be a normal teenager. I felt as if my depression would never go away. I thought was my new reality was i going to live like this forever? I had never experienced this type of dark loneliness before It was terrifying.

As i slipped further into depression my suicidal thoughts started to become tenancies. I would spend hours writing in my journal about how i felt hopeless and wanted to die. I hated the world and i was convinced the world hated me. I was prescribed Lithium and Ativan. While taking the lithium i would end up at the hospital for a week with a severe kidney infection. I also had issues with my thyroid. I had gained weight and my grades in school were poor which pushed me further into depression. My parents marriage was falling apart i felt as if my whole world was upside down. I remember feeling so low as if no one would notice or care if i was gone except my parents. I started to write my suicide note and put my plan into action. I had saved up 2 months supply of my ativan script and completed my note. I became determined to end my suffering that night. After contemplating if i should take my own life or not something took over me and I took the pills. Within 20 minutes I would fall asleep.

I remember waking up at the hospital with my parents looking over me. They were crying and had this look of fear and confusion as to why this happened. At first I was mad that i was still here and my plan didn’t work. I thought now I have to live with disappointing my parents. I was ashamed and embarrassed of myself. The hospital said i was lucky that I had taken benzodiazepines. Any other medications at that high of a dose would have caused brain damage and major organ failure or death. I was sent home and slept for nearly a week straight.

When I finally came out of my benzo coma. I no longer felt so heavy and depressed and my suicidal thoughts had faded away. I knew there was a reason I survived and that I am meant to be here. I had found this inner sense of knowing that I am here for a purpose. My medication was switched from lithium to Abilify and lamotrigine and i felt stable. Things were getting better for me I was grateful to still be here. Becoming stable allowed me to have more control over my negative thinking . I knew my negative thoughts were temporary and would eventually go away. What I learned from this experience is resilience. That no matter how low I was feeling dying was never the answer. I have never had an attempt since. I would go onto experience several lows that would later become rock bottoms during my addictions. Each rock bottom taught me to find my inner strength and become more resilient.

Growing up in a small Alberta town mental health was something that wasn’t talked about. Even till this day there is still stigma around it. I found the best way to heal and cope was Music and writing. I have gotten through the hardest times of my life by writing in my journal and escaping into music.